


St. Jude

by feluriana



Series: Merthur in songs [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:50:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8337136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feluriana/pseuds/feluriana
Summary: Once, his destiny was a golden king who had a golden hair. But then, again, that was a long time ago.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!  
> This one is inspired by St. Jude - Florence and the machine.  
> I'm not an English major, but I'm really trying my best.

Merlin stood there, just watching the urban life as it developed.

_Which city was this?_

Somedays, waking up was confusing and he would need a few moments to remember where and _when_ he was.

On that specific morning, he was on the porch of his new and small apartment, his elbows supported by the railing coverlid with rust, watching people on their flats making breakfast, getting ready for work or school, kissing each other goodbyes. He noticed the man from the flat across the street with an exhausted look on his face and wondered how routine could be suffocating, but then the man’s features brightened and a spontaneous smile took place in his tired countenance. A little girl ran into his arms and he held her tight. A woman – his wife, Merlin assumed – placed a kiss on the man’s lips after giving the child a tender ticklish bellow her arms. On the pavement, he caught a glimpse of people walking fast, late for something. _They always seem late._ He could hear honks coming from the principal street next to his place. There was a bakery alongside his building so the smell of fresh bread insinuated itself and took place everywhere. His stomach growled but he didn't feel like eating because it was one of those days; one of those days when things get a lot more difficult.

Most of the time – days, weeks, months, years – he was able to put a smile on his face and talk to people. Help them, be kind. He had a lot of jobs through his journey, all of them included dealing with the public because it was easier this way, be around of others helped him forget a little bit of everyone else he left behind.

He randomly saw a TV show yesterday in which the character said something that deep-rooted in his mind. _“Immortality isn't living forever. That's not what it feels like. Immortality is everybody else dying.”_ * He memorized the words, not willingly. A long time ago, he decided he would do the best he could for humankind. He was Emrys and this name was once a symbol of hope. So he was always there, on humanity times of need, helping in the shadows because the attention would always be a dangerous thing. If his face were famous, someone somewhere would conjecture about how he looked exactly the same through centuries – millenniums even. That was also the reason why he could never stay for too much time in the same city. He always had to leave friends behind, people he cared about, but the decision to help included not letting his heart grow cold and bitter. That was okay. People couldn’t be with him forever, they would age and he would be exactly the same – trapped in time. It was best to leave them happy than watch them die. He made his peace with this specific aspect of his life, however, it still felt wrong. Purposeless. He became a man with no destiny, a ship drifting with no coordinates.

Once, his destiny was a golden king who had a golden hair. But then, again, that was a long time ago.

* * *

 

 

Getting out of bed was not an easy decision. He could just stay there all day. Just breathing. On the other hand, the difficult day was becoming a difficult month and the apathy was demanding its space again in his life; it just couldn’t happen. So he sat on the bed and looked at the apartment across the street. _People._ Sometimes they were the most special kind of magic. Even tired, they would jump out of bed and fight the day-by-day battle.

He didn’t know when exactly he started to cut himself out of the meaning of ‘’people’’, he doesn’t think of “ _we”_ anymore, just “ _they_ ”. If he were to be honest to himself he would have to admit it was because he felt like a ghost among the living. Not a person anymore, just a shadow trying to give someone hope every once in a while.

-Your name is Emrys. It meant hope – his tone sounded rough and it was quite strange; it seemed like somebody else’s voice.

He learned that in the twenty-first century he couldn’t fight great wars. The act of helping humankind would have to come in small portions. He was a caretaker; a guardian angel, sometimes.

He forced himself to leave the apartment in order to get to know the new city. Feel its beating heart. Somehow, he got lost and it was already getting dark when he saw the antiquity store. He was very fond of old stuff since he was himself an ancient creature. He got into the little emporium and looked around, not paying attention to anything in particular. Merlin felt tired again. Exhaustion happened like this in his life, suddenly taking over him at unsystematic moments. He needed to go home. _But where was home?_ Certainly not the filthy apartment.

-Oh, you’re one of those people – someone said, breaking the spell of quietude.

-I’m sorry. What?

A middle-aged man was smiling at him; his eyes were kind. Merlin got really good at reading people over the years and he saw a tenderness in that man.

-This tiny statue you’re looking at.

Merlin didn’t even realize he was looking at something, but right in front of him was a small representation of some saint, he guessed. It took a while until the words started to make any sense.

_“St Jude, the patron saint of the lost causes.”_

Lost causes. He always seemed to be trapped in one.

-St. Jude? – He asked just to be polite. – I’ve never heard of him.

-People ask his help when the situation seems irreversible.

-And does it work? – The smile on his face made him look like a young and reckless boy. Just someone having a day off. However, with someone looked deeply, they would see nothing but weariness in his eyes.

-If you have faith… It could work. I’ve seen a lot of people being grateful to this little guy for achieving things they’ve thought were hopeless. Yet I’ve always had this idea in my mind that… - the man gave Merlin a conspiratorial look – People are the real magic. You, my young boy, might just find what you’re hoping for.

_Was he still hoping for something in his existence?_

Merlin grinned and not just for politeness this time. The man seemed very lonely and Merlin really felt the urge to be as kind as he could.

-I’ll buy it.

* * *

Gaius didn’t expect Merlin to recognize him. He was younger than the first time they met, so how could he?

Arthur didn’t recognize him either when he passed by a few days ago.

Gaius couldn’t stop smiling as he walked back to the balcony of his beloved antiquity store.

_Faith, Merlin. Just faith. He has always been your destiny after all._

 

**Author's Note:**

> *yes, it was doctor who.  
> Once again: not an English major, so any tips will be most welcome.


End file.
